Tag Archives: feeling positive

I’m definitely not perfect- and I’m okay with that


I didn’t post at all yesterday because I did not stop all day. Unfortunately, that included not stopping to eat. I had a solid breakfast- a banana bake as BFF and I refer to it in shorthand. She found it sometime last year on Recipage (awesome for getting recipe inspiration).  I’ll be honest, I’ve never actually baked it. Usually it’s a quick go to recipe that you can doctor up however you like. I’ve added cocoa powder, switched out the banana for pumpkin, put berries(or other fruit) inside the mixture before microwaving. And I don’t sift. When I have 5 minutes to myself,  in the morning, to make breakfast I am not pulling out a sifter. Just stir vigorously and you’ll be fine.

But as I said, the day got away from me. I went to the New Jersey School Counselor Conference which is always really good. It’s a small conference, but they always have really good people presenting. I didn’t prep any food for the day because I knew there was a free lunch and then I had an event at school until at least 8pm.

Well I missed the free lunch because I offered to go to Costco with someone to get stuff for the evening event- and by the time I got back, lunch was over. So I was honestly fine during my afternoon session, but knew it’d be a long time until any sort of dinner. Fortunately there’s a Starbucks nearby, so I grabbed a coffee and a plain multigrain bagel and went to help prep more stuff for the evening. Well I caught caught up in that and didn’t eat the bagel until about 5pm as I was untangling balloons (I found 1/4 of it still in my bag when I was looking for something at 9pm).

I grabbed a few grapes during the event, but that was it. And here’s where my balance comes in. I never go out. And that is no exaggeration. I’ve always lacked self-confidence in social situations that I’d avoid putting myself in them. And I don’t mean to sound like this is in every area of my life, but when it comes to purely social spots- like bars- I would always feel out of place. Also I usually never got invited- which isn’t a self-pitying comment, more a realization that this was probably due to the fact that I never put myself out there and said I wanted to go. But I’ve gotten better with confidence overall, amongst other things- and especially with my grad school people- I feel really comfortable. So anyways, I went out after the event. We went to a Mexican place- still hadn’t eaten dinner- but no one else was eating real food, so I just snacked on tortilla chips and drank sangria. I didn’t go crazy or anything, it was just normal and fun.

IMG_4902-001I stayed out late (for having been at workshops and stuff since 8am), but it was such a good day. The event was a school thing, and I’m graduating, so I was terribly sappy and made all my professors take photos with me. I love them all and secretly (or perhaps not so secretly wish I was actually a part of the department). The chair of the department actually said to me a few times, with me it ‘s like having another faculty member around. Probably one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten.

While I’d feel like a bit of a creeper sharing those photos on here, I’ll post a picture of me because I really loved my outfit. Although I did realize yesterday, that I need a new belt that I can wear with high-waisted things because this belt (I guess fortunately) droops a bit too much for my liking.

I ate a bit when I came home (too many carbs) like a mini bagel, carrots and hummus and a bit of oatmeal at like 12am because I was actually starving, but I only ate about 1400 cals yesterday overall, which yeah is above my range- but manageable. And yesterday was not the ideal example of food planning and execution, but I didn’t eat the buffet of cake and cookies at the event nor did I scarf down ridiculous things when I got home. Alright they were a bit ridiculous, but controlled.

I even contemplated how to write about all of this, because it’s obviously so much easier to share what you’re proud of rather than share the times when you’re not perfect, but in thinking about what I’ve read from others that’s helped me- above all it’s honesty. So there we go.

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Remembering the big picture

I’m in a really good mood today. I just feel like I’m in a better place- and what a difference a few days makes. Setting this up, and thinking/writing about where I started and where I am now has given me a bit of perspective. Sometimes it’s way too easy to get caught up in yourself and forget the big picture. Seeing numbers go up made me feel really out of control, but it helped me reevaluate things. And I know I’m going back in the right direction.

Pictures help. As much as sometimes I don’t like looking at them, I know I need to remember that. See that? That’s me in the Fall of 20102010 around my highest (316). On the right, that’s this past summer. And don’t mind the ridiculous face- it’s camp. That automatically makes anything acceptable. But I remember the first time I saw pictures from that day and being like “wow- that’s what I look like?” I remember trying on that dress in Forever 21 and not believing it fit. It’s an XL (11-12) which is probably a generously cut XL, but that is less than half of what I started at. I owned some size 26 skirts. I own a size 8 pair of jeans now.

So when I’m frustrated at myself or my lack of progress, I need to remember where I started, why I started and what I’m working towards.

The biggest thing I’ve struggled with lately was figuring out my calories. For nearly two years I ate 1200-1300 calories a day(I considered myself in range as long as it started with a 12_ _ that was my wiggle room), but even as I started working out more- I wasn’t losing any weight.

I really didn’t know how many calories I was burning (I used the estimates on the machines at the gym- which suck by the way!) and still ate the same number of calories. And when I had more time over winter break I’d put in almost 2 hours at the gym sometimes- so there were some serious calorie deficits I was running. And as I’ve learned from Jillian Michaels’ podcasts (love these/her, by the way) when you run a deficit that’s too high, you force your body into starvation mode and it thinks it needs to hold onto fat to survive.

I think this was a really hard concept to come to terms with- to lose weight you need to eat more. So letting go of that 1200-1300 range was hard. I had this conversation with BFF and answered my own question basically as soon as I asked it, because I knew the answer. Mostly because she’s told me numerous times before. She’s usually spot on with stuff like that.

do track my calories, but admittedly have switched trackers for the first time in 8 years (obviously haven’t tracked consistently in 8 years, otherwise I’d be in a whole other-much lighter- boat). The very first time I delved into online calorie tracking in 2005, I began with FitDay, which was a very bare bones version of its current incarnation. In reading through the message boards, someone recommended SparkPeople. And for the longest time I was a SparkPeople purist. But lately, I had a hard time reconciling the fact that I was “going over” my calories every day when I was trying to balance out the amount of exercise I was doing. So recently I’ve switched to MyFitnessPal, which at this time I think better suits my needs. It focuses on the overall calorie deficit (which SP does as well, just not as overtly) instead of focusing on calories in.

So my calories are still between 1200-1300, but days when I exercise- I eat more. And days when I don’t, I eat within that 1200-1300 range. For instance, I ate about 1700 the other day (which would have made me really anxious previously to see I was 500 calories “over” my range), but I went for a 75-minute walk run and burned 500 calories. So I knew I was reasonably where I was supposed to be.

So that’s where I’ll leave you for now, but I hope your day is off to a good start too.

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