Tag Archives: destructive patterns

Not exactly what I intended to be the first post

I’ll start at the beginning.

Basically, I’ve always been fat/overweight/unhealthy/whatever pc term you’d like to call it. However you describe it- I’ve weighed too much.

This one time, for the Presidential Fitness Test, we had to run a mile. The class period ended before I finished. I was the only one left. The teacher told me to just stop. I really wanted a certificate signed by President Clinton. (I never got one).

I was never overtly bullied for it, I remember glimpses of negative comments here and there, but no one really helped me try to fix it. And while this may come across as placing blame on others- when you’re 11, you don’t understand how macro-nutrients work.

And food definitely took on a role as a coping mechanism in high school and college. It’s taken 3 years in acquiring a MA in counseling to figure out what/why I was doing it. And it took until now to find a best friend who helped me finally stop the self-destructive patterns I’d learned to depend on.

And so, nearly two years ago, at 24 I changed it all. I lost 100 pounds and became more honest- not only with myself, but with others- in the process.

And so here I am, so close to Onderland, and admitting that I’m struggling more than I ever have. I’ve been hovering around the same weight for about 9 months now. I know I keep sabotaging myself (spoons should not be the utensil of choice for peanut butter jars), but I can’t stop. And I don’t like that feeling. That’s how I felt every time I was 9 donuts into a dozen box. I never wanted to feel that again.

And while I’m not there, I feel myself falling and I need to get back that mindset that I had. My biggest fear is complacency and giving up and I’m so afraid that’s where I’m headed.

My lowest recorded weight so far has 207.9 about a month ago. I’m at 218.9. I gained 11 pounds. Even though I’ve been pretty stagnant these months, I’ve been working out (I think I wasn’t eating enough calories those months)- heck I even ran this morning and burned 500. But gaining is not an option.

I will be successful.

I know I don’t have as much support 24/7 as I did this time last year. BFF and I used to text breakfast pics every morning and share desert ideas every night. Because of BFF’s life/schedule this year, I don’t feel like I can text all the time. I know that hasn’t helped me- but I shouldn’t blame that as much as I should. It’s just that communication and friendship is what helped me in the first place, so it’s been hard weaning myself off of that. BFF says I can text anytime- but honestly feel guilty monopolizing what little personal time exists.

The last month, I’ve just felt lost. It a lot of personal stressors too, but I won’t fall back into these patterns.

So here are my goals- keeping it simple and back to basics.

  1. Weigh everything that goes in my mouth. Count it. No guesstimating. You suck at guesstimating anyways. 
  2. Workout. Go to the gym. It’s warm now. Walk. Run. Whatever. Burn calories.
  3. Keep your water bottle full all the time. You’re a slacker lately. Add an awesome sticker on it, if that helps.

There we go.  Here’s to smart decisions.

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