I’ll start at the beginning.
Basically, I’ve always been fat/overweight/unhealthy/whatever pc term you’d like to call it. However you describe it- I’ve weighed too much.
This one time, for the Presidential Fitness Test, we had to run a mile. The class period ended before I finished. I was the only one left. The teacher told me to just stop. I really wanted a certificate signed by President Clinton. (I never got one).
I was never overtly bullied for it, I remember glimpses of negative comments here and there, but no one really helped me try to fix it. And while this may come across as placing blame on others- when you’re 11, you don’t understand how macro-nutrients work.
And food definitely took on a role as a coping mechanism in high school and college. It’s taken 3 years in acquiring a MA in counseling to figure out what/why I was doing it. And it took until now to find a best friend who helped me finally stop the self-destructive patterns I’d learned to depend on.
And so, nearly two years ago, at 24 I changed it all. I lost 100 pounds and became more honest- not only with myself, but with others- in the process.
And so here I am, so close to Onderland, and admitting that I’m struggling more than I ever have. I’ve been hovering around the same weight for about 9 months now. I know I keep sabotaging myself (spoons should not be the utensil of choice for peanut butter jars), but I can’t stop. And I don’t like that feeling. That’s how I felt every time I was 9 donuts into a dozen box. I never wanted to feel that again.
And while I’m not there, I feel myself falling and I need to get back that mindset that I had. My biggest fear is complacency and giving up and I’m so afraid that’s where I’m headed.
My lowest recorded weight so far has 207.9 about a month ago. I’m at 218.9. I gained 11 pounds. Even though I’ve been pretty stagnant these months, I’ve been working out (I think I wasn’t eating enough calories those months)- heck I even ran this morning and burned 500. But gaining is not an option.
I will be successful.
I know I don’t have as much support 24/7 as I did this time last year. BFF and I used to text breakfast pics every morning and share desert ideas every night. Because of BFF’s life/schedule this year, I don’t feel like I can text all the time. I know that hasn’t helped me- but I shouldn’t blame that as much as I should. It’s just that communication and friendship is what helped me in the first place, so it’s been hard weaning myself off of that. BFF says I can text anytime- but honestly feel guilty monopolizing what little personal time exists.
The last month, I’ve just felt lost. It a lot of personal stressors too, but I won’t fall back into these patterns.
So here are my goals- keeping it simple and back to basics.
- Weigh everything that goes in my mouth. Count it. No guesstimating. You suck at guesstimating anyways.
- Workout. Go to the gym. It’s warm now. Walk. Run. Whatever. Burn calories.
- Keep your water bottle full all the time. You’re a slacker lately. Add an awesome sticker on it, if that helps.
There we go. Here’s to smart decisions.